EROCS
by Pseudo-lux-serpens
Summary: Or, The Extreme Restraining Order Central Show. Good god! Give the YYH cast a camera and a set...and then let them loose. Add in a few lions for...killing...
1. Test Reel

Extreme Restraining Order Central Show  
  
Kurama: Star  
  
Hiei: Co-Star  
  
Kuwabara: Torture-ee  
  
Yusuke: Torturer  
  
Botan: Pretty Prize Girl  
  
Jin: Village Idiot  
  
Touya: Intelligent Answer Dude  
  
Suzuki: The Camera Guy  
  
Shishi-wakamaru: Music Man  
  
Yukina: Frazzled Prize Girl  
  
Shishi is sitting behind a drum set, leg shackled to the floor. He has a portable CD player and he's listening to something on it. He's also attempting to dance while sitting down.  
  
Shishi: DANCING QUEEN, YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY SEVEN-TEEN!!!  
  
Suzuki: I wonder how long he's been listening to that song?  
  
Shishi sits there for a while longer. The whole time you can hear Suzuki snickering from behind the camera. Eventually Shishi gets onto other songs such as  
  
'Spice up your life'  
  
'Barbie Girl,  
  
'The queer eye for the straight guy theme song'  
  
And the scariest of all . . .  
  
'Boys' by Britney Spears  
  
Suzuki: interesting music choices Wakamaru.  
  
Shishi looks up to see the camera in his face.  
  
Shishi: oh god! Get the fuck out of here Suzuki!!!  
  
Suzuki: *snickering*  
  
Camera moves along. Jin runs past the camera. You hear a thump and see plaster fall from the ceiling.  
  
Suzuki: wow, I didn't know he could run THAT fast.  
  
Jin: *muffled* I've been practicing.  
  
Suzuki: you do that . . .  
  
Camera keeps going. It goes behind an empty set to see Kurama putting makeup on what seems to be a strapped down Hiei. They turn to see Suzuki with the camera.  
  
Kurama: that better not be on . . .  
  
Suzuki: define 'on'.  
  
Hiei: let me go!  
  
Kurama: okay, just turn it off.  
  
Suzuki: define 'off'.  
  
Kurama reaches for the camera and the picture shakes and moves farther away.  
  
Kurama: TURN OFF THE FUCKI-  
  
The camera turns off.  
  
Next Scene on the camera . . .  
  
The camera turns on and you hear Suzuki is muttering something about bleeding and damn kitsune. It moves forward to see Yusuke dragging a twitching body bag.  
  
Yusuke: hey, what's up Suzuki?  
  
Suzuki: nothing much, what's in the bag?  
  
Yusuke: victim.  
  
Voice from within the bag: MY YUKINA WILL SAVE ME!!!  
  
Yusuke: *kicks bag* yeah, and Koenma will pay me for my services.  
  
Suzuki: well, see you on the show.  
  
Yusuke: okay!  
  
Yusuke begins to drag the body bag away when Yukina walks in wearing a skimpy little red sequin dress and whore-ish makeup. Her hair is done up like an eighties Barbie doll.  
  
Yukina: hey, have any of you seen Kazuma around? We're ready to strap him in now.  
  
Yusuke: yeah, I'll bring him out in a second.  
  
Yukina: okay. I don't quite get it but I'll do whatever you tell me to!  
  
Voice from within the bag: YUKINA!!! HELP ME MY LOVE!  
  
Yukina: *choosing not to hear that* well, I gotta go help Botan with her hair.  
  
Yukina walks away. The camera walks past Yusuke and you hear some grunting as he drags the bag towards where Yukina walked off.  
  
The camera goes towards the set again. Touya is just standing behind the wood of the set wearing a long black coat and holding it shut.  
  
Suzuki: what's wrong?  
  
Touya: I swear, I would be out of here right now if I didn't have this god forsaken THING attached to my leg!  
  
The camera focuses in onto Touya's leg, which is shackled to a large steel ball. You hear Suzuki snicker and the camera moves back up to Touya's face. Touya's just scowls.  
  
Suzuki: why would you wanna leave? I mean we need you. You're our answer man.  
  
Touya: because of the smart ass that must have death wish who picked out this costume.  
  
Suzuki: ooh, I wanna see. Come on, please? I won't tell anyone.  
  
Touya: uh huh, and that's what the camera's for right?  
  
Suzuki: well, we're gonna see it anyway. I mean, you're going to be on the show.  
  
Touya: so wait till then.  
  
Suzuki: you're no fun.  
  
Touya: I can live with that. What are you doing anyway?  
  
Suzuki: I dunno, I'm just bored so I'm filming people.  
  
Touya: well go 'film people' somewhere else.  
  
Suzuki: geez, grumpy much. Well, I'll see you later.  
  
Touya: whatever.  
  
The camera moves away and you see a dressing room slightly open. The camera moves towards it. You can see into the crack into the dressing room.  
  
Botan is in there with Yukina. Yukina is helping Botan put her hair in a bun. Botan also has very whore-ish makeup on.  
  
Botan: there, that looks good. Don't you think?  
  
Yukina: yes, I think it looks beautiful that way.  
  
Botan: well you did it. Thank you Yukina! I wonder what Hiei will say when he sees you in that dress?  
  
Yukina: why would Hiei-san care?  
  
Botan: uh . . . *kitty face* because . . . he has a crush on you!  
  
Yukina: 'crush'?  
  
Botan: yeah, it's when you like someone.  
  
Yukina: well, I like Hiei-san very much too.  
  
Botan: no, no, no! It's like when you LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE someone.  
  
Yukina: oh.  
  
Botan turns to look at the camera. She stares at it for a moment then looks infuriated. Botan stands up and runs towards the door.  
  
Botan: Suzuki! Is that you?! You sick basta-  
  
Suzuki: abandon ship! Abandon ship!!!  
  
The camera runs away from the door. You can hear Botan running behind Suzuki and the camera is just shaking and you can hear Suzuki panting.  
  
Then suddenly the camera falls to the ground. The camera is pointed to a wall. You can hear Botan hitting Suzuki and Suzuki screaming. After a few minutes Suzuki stops screaming and you see Botan's shoe in front of the camera.  
  
Botan: stupid camera.  
  
Picture goes blank.  
  
End Of The Tape . . .  
  
A/N: Hello . . . this is only the beginning to the actual show. The actual show hasn't started. This is just prep for the show. We thought it would be funny. And indeed it was . . . MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Tune in next chapter for the REAL slim shady . . . I mean the real show. . . disregard that . . . 


	2. Episode 1

Extreme Restraining Order Central Show  
  
The camera is focused on a cheesy little sign that says in glitter 'Extreme Restraining Order Central Show'. The camera slowly moves back to show Shishi-wakamaru sitting behind a drum set cranking a little pink music box that's playing 'Somewhere over the rainbow'.  
  
He seems to be having fun.  
  
The camera then turns to see Kurama standing next to Hiei in front of a purple polka dot TV show set.  
  
Kurama: hello there I'm Kurama and this is Hiei. Welcome to Extreme Restraining Order Central Show, or as I like to call it EROCS.  
  
Kuwabara from backstage: THAT SOUNDS LIKE EROTIC!!!  
  
Hiei: disregard the idiot.  
  
Kurama: yes, now. This is a new show so let's meet the cast!  
  
The camera turns to the left back to Shishi who is still playing the music box and having a jolly old time.  
  
Kurama: AHEM!!!  
  
He opens his eyes to see the camera focused on him. He quickly stops and smiles.  
  
Shishi: Hello, my name is Shishi-wakamaru. I'm the Music Man, not to be confused with the Muffin Man.  
  
Kurama: okay, then.  
  
The camera then turns to Botan and Yukina who are standing in front of a red curtain.  
  
Botan: hello there! My name is Botan and this is Yukina! We're the Pretty Prize Girls!  
  
Yukina: um, yes, hello there!  
  
Then the camera turns again to see Jin standing there dressed up like a jester. He seems to have a bloody nose.  
  
Jin: HIEI TOLD ME I WAS THE VILLAGE IDIOT AND THAT I PLAY THE PART TOO. SO HERE I AM! MISTER VILLAGE IDIOT!!!  
  
Kurama: yes, um. Did you really do that Hiei?  
  
Hiei: so what if I did. It fits doesn't it?  
  
Kurama: okay, up next for you to meet is Touya. Where is he?  
  
Camera turns around but doesn't see Touya.  
  
Kurama: where could he have gone?  
  
Jin: I thought I chained him up.  
  
Hiei: why would you do that?  
  
Jin: so he wouldn't leave.  
  
Kurama: well where did you leave him?  
  
Jin: right back there.  
  
The camera turns to where Jin pointed. It's the red curtain behind Botan and Yukina.  
  
Yukina: but that's where we keep the lions.  
  
Hiei: we have lions?  
  
Botan: yeah.  
  
Touya from behind the curtain: not anymore.  
  
Botan walks up to the curtain and opens it. Touya is standing there trying to move the blasted steel ball.  
  
Yukina: are you okay?  
  
Touya: yeah, but uh . . . I'm gonna wear this coat now. *Mutters* all Jin's fault . . .  
  
Botan: why are you going to wear that coat? I picked that outfit especially for you!  
  
Touya: you must have a death wish . . .  
  
Botan: oh come on. You don't want to make me sad do you?  
  
Touya: for the purpose of this conversation YES, I DO WANT TO MAKE YOU SAD!?  
  
Botan: *teary eyes* YOU WANT TO RUIN MY LIFE DON'T YOU!?  
  
Yukina: you jerk! You made Botan cry!  
  
Touya: but-  
  
Jin: you're a terrible person! You made a girl cry!  
  
Touya: coming from a person who SHACKLED ME to a giant boulder that doesn't exactly compel me to be nice.  
  
Botan: *crying* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Touya: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!? EITHER WAY MY LIFE IS RUINED! ALL RIGHT ALREADY I'LL TAKE OFF THE DAMN COAT!  
  
Botan: *perks up* Really?  
  
Touya grimaces and then pulls off the coat. He is wearing purple and lime green polka dot pants halfway up his chest. His shirt is a plaid lumberjack shirt with rainbow suspenders.  
  
Kurama: oh, my holy god, Botan, you are sick and twisted.  
  
Touya puts his face in his hands and mutters something about crazy girls.  
  
Botan: Yay, you look so cute Touya! *Smiling happily*  
  
Touya: Kill me now, please. Hey. . . *Gets a good look at Botan's face* You weren't really crying!  
  
Botan: No, but I am good actress, doncha think?  
  
Touya: You are so dead once I get this damn thing off my leg.  
  
Touya pulls at the shackle but he's really stuck.  
  
Kurama: let's all look away from Touya's ridiculous outfit now and focus more on our show.  
  
ShiShi is in the background singing 'Sk8er Boi' at the top of his lungs. The camera turns to see him dancing around still shackled to the floor.  
  
Hiei: Psst! Shishi shut the fuck up with your idiocy.  
  
ShiShi: what? Oh, are you guys still here? Then I guess I'll shut up.  
  
Kurama: Thank god. Well, now we can meet our last two cast members, Yusuke and Kuwabara.  
  
Camera turns to see Kuwabara strapped to a torturing device and Yusuke wearing a black executioner outfit. Yusuke grins and Kuwabara shouts.  
  
Kuwabara: oh my god, you people are sick! You're not really gonna torture me, right. . .RIGHT!?!?!?  
  
Yusuke: yes'm.  
  
Hiei: and we're going to enjoy it.  
  
Kuwabara: I don't wanna die! Yukina! Save me!  
  
Yukina can't hear this, as she is sitting next to ShiShi listening to "Dancing Queen".  
  
Kuwabara: OH GOD! I'M GONNA DIE!!!  
  
Touya: I would wear this outfit gladly just so long as I don't end up where he is.  
  
Kurama: well, since the camera's already pointing over there. Let's get on with the fun!!!  
  
Hiei: can I have a copy of this tape? I'm sure it'll bring me great pleasure later.  
  
Kurama: sure. So what we're going to do is torture Kuwabara and as soon as he shouts our secret phrase of the day! Isn't that just such a fun game?  
  
Random Children: YAY!!! DIE KUWABARA!!!  
  
Hiei: ho ho ho! Stupid ningen children, torture is for the clinically insane!  
  
Random Children: aww!  
  
The camera looks to Kuwabara.  
  
Yusuke: any last words Kuwabara?  
  
Kuwabara: YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA DO THIS URAMESHI RIGHT!? COME ON, I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND!  
  
Yusuke: not really. Oop, show time!  
  
Yusuke quickly begins to turn a wheel. Kuwabara is forced to bend backwards as each click of the wheel is turned.  
  
Kuwabara: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Yusuke: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Kuwabara: YOU'RE A MANIAC!?  
  
Yusuke: MAYBE I AM BUT I'M A DAMN ASS HAPPY MANIAC!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Kuwabara keeps shouting random gibberish for about a minute.  
  
Kurama: oh, wait, we never picked a phrase. OH TOUYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!???  
  
Touya: what?  
  
Hiei: what is out torture phrase for the day?  
  
Touya: why are you asking me?  
  
Kurama: because you're supposed to be able to answer any question we have! So, what's the phrase?  
  
Touya: okay, let's say it's 'Hiei Rocks'.  
  
Kurama: good job Intelligent Answer Dude!  
  
Touya: whatever.  
  
Touya just continues to pull at the large weight on his ankle.  
  
Hiei: he'll never say that in a million years.  
  
Kuwabara: WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO MAKE IT STOP?!  
  
This goes on for about twenty minutes until Kuwabara passes out.  
  
Hiei: oh, and it was just getting fun.  
  
Kurama: don't worry Hiei! You'll be able to see it over and over again on video!  
  
Hiei: oh yeah!  
  
Kurama: and now we'll pick someone from our viewer audience and they have to guess which one of the Pretty Prize Girls isn't wearing a garter! And if they win they get a prize!  
  
Hiei: who would like to go?  
  
Random Children: OOH!!! PICK ONE OF US!!!  
  
Kurama: I'll pick that homeless man over there!  
  
Horace: who? Me?  
  
Kurama: yes you! Come on dooooooooooown!  
  
The camera turns to a homeless man as he's running down a bunch of stairs.  
  
Hiei: never say that again Kurama.  
  
Kurama: okay then. Horace, now which one of out lovely assistants do you think isn't wearing a garter?  
  
Horace: hm . . . I think that I'll pick Yukina.  
  
Kurama: well, let's see!  
  
Hiei: damn ningen bum. . .  
  
The camera turns to Yukina who just pulls her dress up so you can see a pair of bright blue panties with a little seal on them. Hiei just averts his eyes.  
  
Yukina: nope! I'm not wearing a garter! You win!  
  
Horace: yay! What do I win!  
  
Kurama: you win a shower!  
  
Jin just rolls a shower over to where Horace, Kurama, and Hiei are standing.  
  
Jin: here ya go!  
  
Touya: I'm with idiots . . .  
  
Horace: . . . okay . . . um . . . thanks . . . ?  
  
Kurama: have fun!  
  
Horace just rolls the shower out of the studio scratching his head.  
  
Hiei: well! That's all for today! Tune in tomorrow for more of EROCS! See you tomorrow!  
  
Kuwabara: *wakes up momentarily* THAT SOUNDS LIKE EROTIC!!! *Passes out again*  
  
Kurama: bye everybody!  
  
A/N: well! That was the show! Review for more! I like it! Fishy helped me write it so I can't take all of the credit! Sorry! It'll probably be at least another week before I can update. I mean, we can update . . . yeah . . . hope you liked it! 


	3. The Show That Went Wrong

**Extreme Restraining Order Central Show**

**The show that went wrong**

The camera focuses in on a cheesy glittery and very bent up sign that looks mysteriously like it has dried blood on it. it then focuses in on Shishi-Wakamaru who's listening to a CD player.

Shishi: (very loudly) MY NAME IS WHAT? MY NAME IS... WHO? MY NAME IS- CHIKA CHIKA-

Shishi is promptly hit in the head by a large piece of ice. He falls to the ground seemingly unconscious and bleeding. Camera turns to Touya.

Touya: (wearing long dark coat) I can't reach you with my own fist from here but I can use projectiles.

Suzuka: (from behind the camera) good shot.

Botan: why are you wearing that silly coat?!

Touya: silly 'coat'?

Kurama: you weren't wearing that last time, I'm sure of it. You were wearing something much more memorable.

Touya: (shifty eyes) ... no?

Silence from everybody.

Botan: I'm gonna kill you if you don't take that coat off!

Touya: I choose death!

Botan: (eye twitch) today would not be a good day to argue with me!

Touya: and why not!

Suzuka: well, this is going well so far.

Hiei: yes, quite entertaining.

Botan: MY BACK HURTS-

Touya: oh...

Botan: I HAVE CRAMPS-

Touya: ...oh!

Botan: AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING!!!

Botan just stands there, with random fire behind her.

Touya: I'm still not taking it off.

Random children in background: Take it off!! Take it off!!

Touya: where were you little children raised?

Atsuko: In my basement! They were taught the violence of alcoholism.

Botan: (still fuming) NOW TAKE IT OFF!

Touya: no!

Botan: YES!

Touya: no.

Botan: Yes.

Touya: no.

Botan: Yes.

Touya: no.

Botan: alright then.

Suzuka: this isn't in the script . . .

Botan: Fuck the script! This is my show now!

Yukina: (Listening to ShiShi's CD player while he has passed out) I'm scared.

Botan: (brings out a whistle and blows it) JIN! Come here, boy!

Jin: (Runs into studio) What?

Botan: Get that coat off Touya. . .and I might give you a cookie.

Jin: A cookie? Like. . .chocolate chip?

Botan: Yes. . .maybe. Well, probably not but. . .do it anyway!

Jin: Can't argue with that logic.

Suzuka: Okay, this is all wrong, we're stopping and starting over.

Shishi: (wakes up) hey! I was listening to that! Wait did the show start? (grabs music box and plays it)

Kurama: okay, we're starting!

Jin: But what about what Botan told me to do?

Kurama: forget it! We'll edit that out okay?!

Suzuka: yes... editing... I'm good at that... (Quietly) sure am...

Random beep in the footage. It skips to another part of the show. Kuwabara's screaming.

Yusuke: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hiei: SUZUKA ARE YOU GETTING THIS?!

Kuwabara: MOMMY! EIKICHI! ANYBODY!

Kurama: oh we seem to have forgotten to choose a phrase again. Oh Touya!!!

Camera turns to Touya. He's stuck to a giant strip of flypaper.

Touya: holy shit! Where do you people get this stuff?!

Botan: it's made in Taiwan. Where else does stuff come from?

Random children: I heard that's where babies come from!

Kurama: hmm... I've heard that too. What's the truth? Touya?

Touya: oh hells no! No way I am explaining this to you.

Hiei: if you want I will.

Another random bleep in the tape. Kuwabara is no longer screaming but sitting in a corner bleeding. Botan's in the background pulling at the flypaper attached to Touya's coat trying to get the coat off with it.

Hiei: so that's how it happens! At least with demons.

More than half of the children are crying. Some others seem to be in a sort of trance.

Kurama: Hiei, that's more than enough of an explanation.

Touya: get away from me!!!

Botan: stop squirming. Uh oh.

Botan steps back scared.

Touya: fuck!

The camera turns to look at Touya with a piece of flypaper stuck to his head. It's all tangled in his hair.

Shishi: and you call me vain!

Suzuka: (laughing insanely) oh my god! Botan, you're gonna die!

Botan: well... you could always cut it?

Touya: (tugs violently at the ball and chain stuck to his ankle) I swear to Enma that when I get out of this!!!

Jin: I'm even smart enough to know you should run.

Kurama: ever consider the witness protection agency?

Botan: it's not like I'm testifying against him or something!

Yusuke: then that won't work. Well it was nice knowing you then.

Botan: Yusuke you-

Camera cuts off. Comes back with only sound.

Suzuka: you broke it! I still had two more payments on this thing!!!

Kurama: you're gonna need some more payments.

Suzuka: Botan! Why did you do that?!

Botan: it got in my way!

Suzuka: it's always in the same place! Klutz!

Botan: well, that place that is was just so happened to be in my way!

Yukina: everybody just calm down.

Suzuka: I think you need to buy me another one!

Botan: well you know what I think?! I think that you need to get your arrogant head out of your-

Camera cuts off. End... for now...

A/N: well, I think it was funny. Join in next time for a real episode instead of the one that went wrong.


End file.
